christinamarieprather.com On the Journey…

I went hiking with my boys this weekend in Red Rock Canyon. I’m not the most adventurous type of gal around, so we stuck to a specific path, clearly outlined, and fairly well traveled. The further into the canyon we went the narrower the path became, and less traveled. At one point, we came to a spot that was barely a trail. Brush and scraggly trees scraped our skin and snagged our clothes as we ducked, and climbed over huge rocks. This path disappeared completely. We sent my football player son, who had been jumping off of rocks, and scaling with ease up large boulders, to scout for us. Did he see the path pick back up on the other side of this steep embankment?

We had to stop. We didn’t have mountain climbing gear, and this outing was my first attempt to get my family ‘moving’ together. We sat next to a creek, the sound soothing, and had a snack. As we climbed back out, to the right of the tangled, rocky path was a path we had not seen, smoother and well defined. How did we miss this? The sun was beginning to set, and so we were unable to continue to our destination.

This isn’t about taking a path less traveled, or taking the easy way. This makes me wonder, how many times God has placed a path right in front of me, and I didn’t even see it. I chose to do it my way, and had to hike, and climb, and get scraped up because of it. Then had to back track after getting no where, and reset my direction, or have had to go all the way back because the time had passed, and I didn’t get to my destination that He had planned for me. “Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight.” Proverbs 3:5-6

He has promised to give us direction. To be our compass. He has gone before us, and prepared a path for us. He’s cleared the brush, and made it possible to reach the destination He has for us. We need to acknowledge Him, and keep our God focus, leaning not on our own understanding, but on the promise that God has what is best for us, and that He has created us for something more.

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Preparing for Forever Sisters next Bible study, has led me down my own journey. A journey that urges me closer into His presence. One that implores my heart to sit at the feet of my Savior. To learn. To find comfort. To sing praise. Give thanks. Receive His love. Lysa TerKeurst writes in her study “What Happens When Women Say Yes to God”, “The radically obedient person is blessed with being able to appreciate another’s Christlikeness and give grace to their humanness.” Such profound words that pounds through my heart, and lets the scales fall from my cloudy eyes.

A deep fire burns within me to be the obedient person that God wants me to be, but do I always see people with appreciation that they are made in the very image of God? Do I offer grace when human attributes glare ugly and black? The fact remains that we are all on a journey. Philipians 2:12, “Therefore my dear friends, as you have always obeyed–not only in my presence, but now much more in my absence–continue to work out your own salvation with fear and trembling, for it is God who works in you to will and to act according to his good purpose.” We are to continue to work out our own salvation–this journey is personal. My journey looks different from yours. My sins look different from yours. We are made in the image of God, and we are striving to become more like Christ.

God’s work within us sometimes happens very fast, and at other times, when we decide to dig in our heals, or when He is dealing with something that has knarled roots that go deep into our hearts, it takes time. I know that for myself, I am the first to admit that I often don’t do the right thing, say the right thing. Yet, I long to walk in obedience to God, bringing Him glory with my actions and my words. I long with every fiber to hear Jesus say to me, “Well done!”

I want to run this race well, yet I fail again and again. If you have ever felt this way, Friend, you are not alone! David cries out to God in Psalm 143:2, “Do not bring your servent into judgment, for no one is righteous before you.” My friends, look at one another, and see the image of God, even in the unsaved. Ask God for eyes to see Christ emerging in each of us, that we may praise His holy Name. Offer God’s grace when someone fails you. Gossips about you. Misrepresents something you have said or done. Acuses you of something that was never your intention. Takes your heart, stomps on it, yes even then, offer them grace…”for no one is righteous before you.” None of us measure up to a holy God, but He gives us grace in our humaness. Can we do no less?

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During the past couple of months, I keep hearing the same message. To know God, His character, His many names, we must first experience Him. We read in His Word the many attributes that God is known by. In times of peace, we read over these names, but not until we experience God by that name, is our heart pierced with recognition. We can easily say that God provides, but until we are in need, and God provides, does our doubting heart grasp what our head is saying.

The past six months I have experienced God as my provider when my husband didn’t have a job. When the hospital bills, and doctor bills were discounted from my son’s injury in August and we hadn’t any insurance. Today, I experienced God as our great healer. In November, my son had another x-ray on his leg to evaluate its healing. The cyst that had weakened the bone to begin with had not healed as the doctors were hoping. It was difficult news for me to hear. My heart immediately rose in panic. I didn’t have answers to my many questions, and the treatment options tore at my heart, to think of my son having to endure the medical procedures. I prayed. I asked for others to pray. We prayed for healing.

A year ago, I would have fretted over the past month. I would have given into the anxious ramblings of my head. Listened to the panic gripped heart beats, but not this time. God’s peace prevailed in my soul as I anticipated His answer. Expected Him to move. When I woke this morning, I continued to pray. Continued to ask for God’s favor, and clung to the simple truth that God had what’s best for me and my family in His plan, even if my current circumstances seemed the contrary.

Inside the doctor’s office, the doctor explained that we were dealing with two things…the fracture….and the cyst. He examined my son, and proclaimed him back to full activity. The fracture was not an issue any longer. We would need to take some more x-rays to check on the progress of the cyst. We waited. Minutes can drag by when you are waiting. The doctor returned and snapped the new x-rays into place. He sighed. My stomach clenched. I held my breath. He sat on his stool in front of me. The cyst had shrunk. It was almost gone. We didn’t need to come back for six months. The doctor–amazed. Me–thankful that once again, I was experiencing God. This time as our healer. The great physician.

Time in the desert is difficult. Painful. Uncomfortable. Stretching. Sometimes your journey is short, and sometimes golden sand stretches out for miles in every direction. We have a choice as we journey this unknown path. We can draw closer to God, and experience Him like we have never experienced Him before, or we can allow bitterness to take root in our heart, choking out the light. The love. The wonders of God. It’s our choice. I say “yes” to the desert. I don’t know when it will end, or what the outcome will look like, but I trust that God has what’s best for me. I trust that when His word says He is my refuge, my portion, my rock…it is truth.

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You know those moments. Those times when you find yourself in a place you don’t want to be. You’ve dug your heals in, kicking and screaming. Your focus has turned inward. The me becomes bigger than the Him. It’s these moments that I affectionately call “in the belly of the fish moments.” I felt a lot like Jonah recently, facing Ninevah.

A change of admistration resulted in the loss of my job. One that I had invested the past five and a half years in. Change is hard, especially when it comes with the force of a hurricane. No warning. No time to adjust. Less than two week passed before I started a new job. Ninevah. I had felt a peace about accepting this position, but the first week left me asking God what I was doing there. Had I misunderstood accepting this position? My heart felt heavy, and my focus shot inward. I can’t do this. I don’t want to do this? What’s the point? I don’t even agree with how they run things. God, I am the only Christian in this place!

That first week was my darkest moment in the desert. Quick sand sucked at my shoes, crept to my knees, hovered around my waist, and quickly reached my neck. I cried. I grew angry. I felt bitter. I stuffed it all inside only releasing the pent up desperation on the forty minute drive home. Struggling. By Saturday morning, I was fully ensconced in the belly of a fish. I shut down, to the point that my husband had to force me to get out of bed.

Why God? Why would you bring me to this place? Why would you uproot me from people that I loved to work with, and place me in this dark, haunting place? A constant focus on the incredible me! Being in the belly of the fish, wrapped up in “stinking thinking” and tossed on the waves of a pity party, God spoke to me.

“This isn’t about you. This is about me, and my Kingdom.” God has placed me at this job to be His light in the darkness. To make a difference through my actions, and my beliefs. With this realization, the fish spewed me onto the beach, and God’s peace returned. I still don’t like my job, and some days are harder than others, but my focus rests on the cross. I don’t know who I might touch for Jesus, and I may never know what seeds may be planted, but God has me where I am for a reason.

My Friends, are you fighting God? Are you sitting stubbornly in the belly of the fish, too focused on self, to see the plan and purpose God has for you? Have you ever experienced these moments in your life? God has prompted me to write about my journey through the desert, and I would love to hear your own stories. Please respond and encourage those on the journey who need a reminder to keep their focus on our amazing God even when the journey gets tough, and God trains our hands for the battle of advancing His kingdom.

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It’s been almost a week since my life altered dramatically with the loss of my job. My emotions have run the gamut. Anger. Fear. Acceptance. Anxiety. Hope. As I was telling myself yet again to trust in God’s promises, to cling to them for the truth that they are. I was gently reminded of another promise. Jesus did not promise us a trip to Disney Land with no lines. No crowds. No cost. He promised us trials. He promised us suffering. One of my favorite scriptures during this season of my life is found in James 1:2-4, “Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.”

There have definitely been trials of many kinds. Even since I started this entry, I have found a job, but with it has come its own suffering. The loneliness of not having the close relationships that I had at my other job, missing the families that we worked with, and getting used to different policies, have all been challenges in this new job. I know that I took this job out of fear, and I pray that God will open a door despite my lack of faith. He has been my provider as I’ve traveled this path of uncertainty. How small does my view of God look when standing next to the overwhelming circumstances that have toppled me in their crashing waves.

Even when I can see past the circumstances of my life, God is faithful. Even when I find cause to cry out from the deepest, parts of my heart, “How long, O Lord, will you keep your face from me”, He is faithful. His love endures forever. Nothing can pluck me from His mighty hand. He is my shelter, my rock, my refuge, in Him I have placed my trust. I still do not understand the reason for the past five months. For the numerous circumstances that hope to snare me, throw me off balance, and take my eyes from my Savior. I have experienced the threatening waves that have tossed my small dingy, crashing it into one wave, each bigger than the other, and I have heard in my heart the same words the Jesus said to the disciples when they were faced with toppling waves, and Jesus slept in the boat. He has asked me why am I so afraid. He has asked me why I have so little faith. And just as the disciples could only see Jesus asleep, not handling the storm that threatened to drown them, so I too have looked upon Jesus as if He were asleep. The heartache, fear, worry threatening to drown me.

I’ve had to confess my lack of faith, my fear, for the sin that it is. Yet, it still likes to creep up, sneak around my fragile heart, and look for any enterance for its piercing sting. There is no cookie cutter way to guard our heart from this sin. We must learn to recognize the triggers that sweeps our eyes off of God and onto our circumstances. We must surround ourselves with godly influence. Those that God has placed in our lives to build us up, encourage us, shine light on our sin through their love for us. We must spend time in God’s word, hiding it deep in our hearts, but we must not forget that our God is a personal God. God will often use music in my life to bring me comfort, conviction, and encouragement. For you, it might me something different. Our God has wired us as unique individuals. If you are a mother, you know this well. What works for one child, may not work for another. Our relationships with our own children are personal. Individual. So is our relationship with God.

If you are struggling right now, if you feel like the last flicker of your hope is gone, go and sit at the feet of Jesus. Read. Pray. Sing or listen to worship. He will be there in your midst. He will hold you through the darkest night. These are not just words on a page. These are spoken from a heart of experience. I have had some very dark nights. I have had those moments when I have to force myself to get out of bed. When all I want to do is turn off my favorite Matt Redman CD, because I feel skeptical. Uncertain. Faltering. So do the very thing that you don’t feel like doing. Turn up that worship CD. Open up your Bible. Pour out your grief in prayer. God maybe silent, but it doesn’t mean He is not listening. He hears you. He love you. He will answer you. Suffering leads to perseverance. Perseverance leads to faith. So cling to all of God’s promises. Promises of trial are not easy, but when the cloud that hangs over you passes, and you are able to look back, you will see God’s hand on you. Guiding you. Protecting you. Loving you.

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Have you ever watched a hamster running in his wheel? Periodically, he stops, steps out and looks around, and then gets back in to run some more. This routine is often repeated. I feel like that today. I’m running, and getting no where. It’s one of those days that you feel numb. When tears threatened right at the surface, stinging your eyes, and making your heart pound.

My husband has been out of work since June, and today I lost my job as well. It was not something that I was forewarned about. The other director that I have worked with for the past 5 years and I were called in by the new administration and told we were being let go. We gathered our things, said tearful goodbyes to our…the staff, and left. Shell shocked.

I made it almost home before the anxiety rushed in. My heart began to pound erratically, and breathing became difficult. I tried to focus on my Matt Redman CD. My voice catching as I tried to sing praise. Tried to cling to the truth of God’s promises. Tried to see the road through my blurry lenses. I was being thrust into a whole new level of dependency on God. He is my provider. He is my security. He is my comforter. I am learning these steadfast names of God well.

I must lean on Jeremiah 29:11. I must cling to His promises. This time in the desert finds me weary. Each day more difficult to see the hidden beauty. What is God’s plan? How long O Lord will you keep Your face from me? Yet I WILL praise you with my last breath. With my last ounce of strength. You are good. Your Will is perfect more me. I trust that You have a plan for my life.

My sisters, these declarations I will write with a dry erase marker on my bathroom mirror. A constant reminder that He will never let me go. He is always by my side, even when He seems so far away. If I have to remind myself every minute of every day the promises of God. The hope that He has laid out for me. The very sacrafice that He has given for me. I WILL. Apart from You my God, I have nothing!

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The day God pressed into my heart the desire to initiate relationship with, mentor, and offer a nurturing environment for His daughters to grow into a deeper relationship with Him will never be forgotten. I remember well the incredulity, the enormity of what He was calling me to do. What did I know about women’s ministry? What did I have to offer these His most precious masterpieces? There was not a single reason that I could think of that would point to this as a successful adventure. But God delights in equipping us with all that we need when He calls us to do something. A God sized assignment to coin Henry Blackaby’s phrase.

So with great excitement mingling with a fearful heart, I stepped out of my comfort zone and started my first ladies study. One study led to another, and another. In those early days, I remember the clamor in my heart wanting to venture further, reach beyond these initmate gatherings. Recently, I have had the pleasure to organize my first real Women’s retreat. Knowing this was far beyond my own gifts and talents, I commited my plans to God. Prayerful. Watchful. Listening. There were moments when I wanted to give up. Moments when doubt plagued my heart, plagued my emotions. I pressed on with the strength that can only come from the helper, the Holy Spirit. My best friend.

A week before the Living Well Retreat, Bible in hand, I asked with an intensity pouring from my inner most soul, “God, speak to me through Your Word.” Opening to 2 Timothy, I read the first verse, “Paul, an Apostle of Jesus Christ, by the will of God.” It was the latter part of that verse that struck out. Popped off the page. Floated in the air above the written Word. ”BY THE WILL OF GOD.” The Holy Spirit pressed into my heart, my mind, my soul. “You were not called to this ministry by man, pastor, or friend. You were called by the will of God. I could go no further as I let those words soak into my very being. I clung to those words, the truth, as I finalized the preparations for the retreat.

On October 7th, 25 women filed into a lodge at Duck Creek Village, Utah. We were immersed in the presence of the Holy Spirit. I can’t remember a worship sweeter. Like children we sat at the feet of Jesus, listening to His heart beat that continued to whisper, “I love you” over and over. We who needed comfort, received comfort. We who needed love, received love. We who needed community, found community. We who needed forgiveness, found forgiveness. It was Jesus, meeting us where we are, offering His grace for our shame. His mercy, for our short comings. Our God is an awesome God!

If God has given you an assignment that seems too big, rely on Him. He equips you with all you need. Proverbs 16:3, “Commit to the Lord all of your plans, and He will make them succeed.” There will be those who rise up, and though they mean well, discourage you from following God’s plan for your life. The enemy often hits below the belt. He wants to win. But we have victory in Jesus. He can’t win unless we let him. The enemy wants nothing more than to steal the word God has given you, or to destroy the work God is doing in your life. My sisters, stand firm on the rock of our salvation. Cling to the promises of our God. His Word is truth. He will never have you do anything that is against His nature. Trust in the Lord with all your heart, mind, soul, and strength and push back the gates of Hell. Advance the Kingdom of God!

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As the doctor bills have started to come in, I have felt my self slipping further and further down the tattered rope I have been clinging to. It’s a picture, a movie playing on some unseen screen in front of me. Dangling legs, out-stretched arms, panic lined face, swinging, and slipping. Panic freezes my heart, and cramps overtake my joints. But underneath this swinging rope, are two large hands, cupped to catch something precious.

At first I thought that if I can’t hold on any longer, then these hands, that belong to my God would catch me. Pondering this image engraved in my mind, I realized that I had the interpretation all wrong. The hands of my loving Father want to catch me when I let go. And when I let go, His hands will cup protectively around me, and bring me to His heart for refuge and shelter. His hands are bigger than any tattered rope that I could cling to. They would carry me through this storm. Philippians 1:6, “…being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus.” He’s brought me this far, let go and He will carry me the rest of the way.

I was holding on too tight to the things of this world; fear, financial uncertainty, my house. My dear sisters, what are you holding on to? What is God asking you to let go of? Certainly we live in troubled times. The war for the Saints increases as the return of our Lord approaches. Stand firm in His word. “Your Word, O Lord, is eternal; it stands firm in the heavens.” I can never think of that verse in Psalm 119 without hearing it’s melody. Join me today as we let go. See yourself falling into the freedom of God’s loving embrace. As He promises in His word to catch you and hold you close because of His great love for you. “You are my refuge and my shield; I have put my hope in your word.” Psalm 119:114.

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We go along in life, on our regular routine, unaware the future events may come and change all of your plans, your dreams, and of course your routine. Some are minor adjustments that tweak our lives a little, and some knock you down flat, and with glazed eyes and those cartoon stars floating around your head, you wonder what on earth was that, right before the overwhelming reality of how uncertain your future now looks. Faith moments when you fully understand what it looks like to walk by faith, and not by sight, and to fully depend on God.

This summer has been full of those moments where I cling to God’s word, His promises for His people. Where when you look with unveiled eyes, you see the hand of God through every wave of the storm. Almost two weeks back, my youngest son broke his left leg.  Waiting for him to be done in surgery, worry about his recovery, not having medical insurance, and though my husband has started a new job, it is based on commission only, so income is subjective, I couldn’t help but wish for a do over for this year. My youngest doesn’t do anything half way, so after almost three days in the hospital, we took our half-wrapped mummy home for a long six week recovery.

Caught in the strong currents of life, struck down by the force of each wave that barely gives you time to resurface and catch your breath, you begin to wonder where is God during this? Has He left me alone to face all of this uncertainty? It is during these moments that we must cling to God’s word with renewed understanding, and true grit. Psalm 119:50 says, “My comfort in my suffering is this; Your promise preserves my life.” His word is everlasting. His promises are true. He is there in the simple beauty of this desert journey. He’s in the generosity of His people as they brought meals to help ease the burden of carring for a house bound eleven year old. I have seen His love pour out through the acts of kindness from these same people who give us their time to sit with our son so that we can continue to work. To make us fully aware of the truth penned by the apsotle Paul in 2 Corinthians 12:9, “But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weakness, so that Christ’s power may rest in me.”

He empowers each day. Holds it in His mighty hand; making himself known through daily encounters, if you have eyes to see, and ears to hear. And so I leave you with one last verse. The verse that has been my staple through this series of stroms rocking our family, “Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete not lacking anything.” James 1:1-4. Trust in His word to carry you through the darkest night, as well as the brightest day.

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Yesterday I brought my binder with all my favorite sheet music to work. I had some new music, and we have a three hole punch that I could use so that I could add the sheet music to my binder. Half way home I realized that I had left my binder at work. I had left items at work in the past, and didn’t feel any concern, so when I walked in at 8:00 this morning, my eyes scanned my desk for my prized white binder. Failing to find it at first glance, I plunked the rest of my belongings done and conducted a thorough search, including getting on my hands and knees and peering into the dark corners under my desk. Panic rising, I sought out the other director and asked if she had seen it. This query also resulted in failure. With dread my mind processed any reason that my binder could have grown legs and walked off. This may seem trivial to most, but the collection of music within the binder had taken a couple of years to compile, all of my music notations for the songs, and it also protected a treasured keepsake that I could never replace.

In the past, items perched on the file cabinet would get bumped and fall into the small waste bin next to it. With a thumping heart, I prayed that the trash had not been picked up the night before, and made my way in the hot sun across our parking lot to the metal monster that I hoped had eaten my binder. Sigh. Black garbage bags littered the bottom of the beast. Starting with the first one, I began to untie the slimy, milk dripped on bags in a quest for one that would resemble my office trash. After several attempts, I lifted a bag that weighed heavier than the others. Feeling the bag, spoiled milk coating my hands, my hope flared. I untied the stubborn knot, and protected in a white trash liner was my lost treasure.

I would have been devistated. I searched. I dug through trash to find what was important to me. Do I have that same passion for God? Do I experience that same devistation when I think of losing my God and the fellowship that we share? Do I seek, search with wild abandon, looking for Him in my everyday moments? In His word? In my prayer time? Deuteronomy 4:29, “But if from there you seek the Lord your God, you will find him with all your heart and with all your soul.” 1 Chronicles 22:19a, “Now devote your heart and soul to seeking the Lord.” I devoted my heart and soul to find my binder. We look  for our lost car keys. We hunt down a lost treasure, how earnestly do we seek God?

God wants us to seek Him with all of our heart and with all our soul. He wants us to seek Him first! Matthew 6:33, “But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.” Seek Him like a lost treasure. Pursue His glorious face! He longs for you to put Him first in your heart. Even when He seems silent, His promise stands true. When you seek Him, you will find Him.

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