So why am I up when the best I can hope for is a gray world. Not one quite thrown in the dark with twinkling stars and a bright moon to light my way, but the gray of pre-dawn. Simply, a new job, new hours, how do I fit those quiet, precious moments when I rest in God’s glorious presence over a coke zero. Before you judge, I’m just not a coffee girl, and a little caffeine seems to go a long way.

Missing my best friend, I stumbled out of bed. Put my purple curlers in my hair, brushed my teeth, made lunches, checked on my ill oldest son, and sat down with journal, Bible, and devotions. The sounds of my house that seem loud when two boys are not blaring music, tv, or just running around. The wind whistling around the house, my wind chimes in my back yard singing their own praise song, and the soul resting peace of time spent with my father make getting up at 5:30 all worth while.

He wants to spend time with you. Make a date, pick a time, and just enjoy the sweet presence of the Savior.

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However, twenty years in the early childhood education field had left me feeling run down, my once passionate heart for this field sputtering out. Some of you may say, “Mid life crisis,” but I believe God planted this restlessness in my heart for specific reasons. So now girded with a new job, one without the stresses that had consumed me working in preschool administration, I find myself seeking God for my next step. Over the past year, my journal has become one of my best friends. Written within the pages prayers to the awesome God that I long–desire with all my heart to serve. And so I asked. I asked for direction. I asked for wisdom. I didn’t ask for the whole picture. I’ve learned to be content in the moment that I am in. What God has for me today, but I  did ask for my next step. “What now, Lord?” “What is Your plan for me?”

As I have prayed this. Written the words down in my sometimes unintelligible hand writing onto crisp pages, bound together thoughts, dreams, desires, and passions. The enemy works over time to discourage me from running, anything from the frustration I feel at my own physical limitations from years of inactivity to actual complications from again years of inactivity. The emotional assaults from his whispered lies. To my desire to write. To share and contribute to the growth of others in their relationship with a God who loves with a perfect love.

So now I ask, how do we recognize His direction? How do we know this is what He wants us to do? The steps He wants us to take? I find I asked these questions often, especially when something doesn’t turn out the way I thought it should. “How could this be His will for me?” I have seen, no, I have experienced that joy of realizing that through this suffering God has done amazing things in, through, and around me. But what is the next step? Like doing an intricate puzzle, something I was never fond of, you search for just the right piece to fit into the carefully cut pieces.

What I see is a very large step, and a very small me. There is no way that I can do this on my own, but God in me can. This is a faith walk. A walk that leads us down a path that we never would have the courage to go down without God to lead us. Each intentional step taken to bring me closer to what God’s plan for me is. So I continue to run this race, literally and figuratively. With a hope that each step on take pushes back the evil schemes of the enemy. I open my latest manuscript, ignored in the past few months, the characters suspended in in-animation. I don’t know where any of this will lead, but God does. And that is enough for me.

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But life often doesn’t abide by lists, and well thought out,
carefully constructed plans. Life is full of bumps, detours, and interruptions.
It’s what we do with these detours, these interruptions that help us to grow
towards our heavenly Father, or hinder our hearts from receiving His peace.

My husband and I recently hit a detour in our life, one that
completely altered my lists. One moment we were working to be out of debt by
the end of the year, the next my husband was unemployed. True to my nature I
began making mental lists. If this happens, we will do this. If this works out,
we will do it this way. Frustration set in when my plans fell with the loud
thud of failure ringing in my ears.

Now don’t get me wrong. Lists and plans are not bad in
themselves. It’s how much we rely on our lists and plans. It’s how much our
focus is placed on these lists and plans rather than on the Author of our
faith. When Jesus sent out the Disciples, He sent them with nothing. They had
to put their trust in God’s provision for each day. For each moment. For each
breath.

This lesson did not come easy for this planer girl. I had to
‘lose’ my calculator. No matter how many times you input the same numbers,
trust me on this; the result is the same. I had a crisis of faith. A fork in
the road. One path led down a road away from God, relying on myself, and what I
could see. The other path drew me closer to God, focusing on Him, and clinging
to His precious promises recorded in His Word. Only one road led to lasting
peace.

The more I intentionally diverted my focus to my God, the
more His peace, despite my circumstance, invaded my heart. Detours have the
distinct ability to force our hand, to push us to make a choice, God or
ourselves. Do we follow our own plans, our own lists, and exalt ourselves as
god of our own life, or do we follow Jesus down His planned detours in our
lives?

I have had to learn to live for each moment with God
as its Author. I have had to breath each breath with thanksgiving to a God who
is working behind the scenes when I can’t see Him. I have had to relinquish my
lists, my plans for His. “For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the
Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a
future.” Jeremiah 29:11. I still write my lists, and I still plan, but instead
of holding them with clenched fists, I hold them loosely with my palms facing
heavenward. The more we seek God, and learn His attributes, the more our plans
fit with His, and when they don’t, when God places a bump, a detour in the
road, we can respond with a heart that truly cries out, “Your will, God, Your
plan, Your list for my life.”

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Forever Sisters has been going through a wonderful study by Lysa TerKeurst, “What Happens When Women Say Yes to God”. We’ve been exploring what is means to say yes, and be obedient to all God has called us to do.

Action. That’s what I thought of when I started this study. Acting in obedience when He calls us to join Him in advancing His Kingdom. What I am learning is that is only part of it. He is asking me to be still. I am not the be still kind of girl. I like to go. I want to be in the thick of the battle. I want to serve God through doing. Be still. These two simple words, are very hard lessons to learn. It requires letting go of control. Finding the strength to be patient. Be Still. To listen for His next directive. Allow God to take the lead, and follow Him.

In waiting and being still, I must be ever mindful to keep my focus on God. The enemy takes advantage of the times when I do not gird myself with the full armor of God, and dwell inward. When I focus on myself, and slide into the pit of self pity, the enemy rises up on a soap box and drowns out who God says I am. Though the storms of this life rage on around me, God says to be still. Only He can calm those storms.

Circumstances at work are difficult. The dread that accompanies each Monday harder and harder to bear, but I find great comfort in the precious words of Psalm 46:10, “Be still, and know that I am God; I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth.” Even in this time, as great storms crash against us. As many deal with financial hardships, the loss of jobs, the insecurity of this world, there is the One True God that can calm the crazed winds with a single word. He can make mountains melt, and the earth tremble. He can split the seas, and gently care for each living thing on this earth that He has created. He can, He will, He already is moving. He is our refuge, and ever-present help in times of trouble. Stand firm, stay God focused, be still.

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A self focused life.

I can imagine God standing back watching this whirlwind of activity. Waiting. Patient. Saying, “Here I am. Focus on me.”

It’s easy to be self-focused in this society. One of the most common themes in preschool is “All About Me”. We are born egocentric. It’s written in the Toddler’s Creed, “If I had it, it’s mine. If I had and put it down, it’s still mine. If you have it, and I want it, it’s still mine.” We hold with close fists to the things we have, and covet what we don’t have because it will make us happy.

I’m taking a stand against my egocentric self, stamping that person down with the truth of the most selfless act of love ever recorded in history. Jesus’ death on the cross. I am learning to live open-handed, and be God focused. God has placed on my heart a budding compassion to help victims of human trafficking. There are an estimated 27 million people around the world who are victims of human trafficking. Because of the nature of Las Vegas, this city is a hot spot in the US. So what can I do? What voice to I have? What training do I have to come against such evil?

Inspired by Natalie Grant, as she ran a half marathon in support of Abolition International, I am going to take this couch potato self, insert cough here, and train to run. Let’s put this into perspective…I was the girl in school who walked the mile and still wondered if I was going to make it the whole mile. Sports, exercise–not my thing. But for each foot I pound on that hateful treadmil I will pray for these victims. Where God takes this I don’t know. I just know that I will be obedient to this passion, and pray for open doors. I pray that this part of my journey will raise an awareness to the injustices going on in our own backyard. Hebrews 12:1-3, “Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles, and let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us. Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfector of our faith. Who for the joy set before him endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. Consider him who endured such oposition from sinful men, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart.” Who will run this race with me?

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We had to stop. We didn’t have mountain climbing gear, and this outing was my first attempt to get my family ‘moving’ together. We sat next to a creek, the sound soothing, and had a snack. As we climbed back out, to the right of the tangled, rocky path was a path we had not seen, smoother and well defined. How did we miss this? The sun was beginning to set, and so we were unable to continue to our destination.

This isn’t about taking a path less traveled, or taking the easy way. This makes me wonder, how many times God has placed a path right in front of me, and I didn’t even see it. I chose to do it my way, and had to hike, and climb, and get scraped up because of it. Then had to back track after getting no where, and reset my direction, or have had to go all the way back because the time had passed, and I didn’t get to my destination that He had planned for me. “Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight.” Proverbs 3:5-6

He has promised to give us direction. To be our compass. He has gone before us, and prepared a path for us. He’s cleared the brush, and made it possible to reach the destination He has for us. We need to acknowledge Him, and keep our God focus, leaning not on our own understanding, but on the promise that God has what is best for us, and that He has created us for something more.

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A deep fire burns within me to be the obedient person that God wants me to be, but do I always see people with appreciation that they are made in the very image of God? Do I offer grace when human attributes glare ugly and black? The fact remains that we are all on a journey. Philipians 2:12, “Therefore my dear friends, as you have always obeyed–not only in my presence, but now much more in my absence–continue to work out your own salvation with fear and trembling, for it is God who works in you to will and to act according to his good purpose.” We are to continue to work out our own salvation–this journey is personal. My journey looks different from yours. My sins look different from yours. We are made in the image of God, and we are striving to become more like Christ.

God’s work within us sometimes happens very fast, and at other times, when we decide to dig in our heals, or when He is dealing with something that has knarled roots that go deep into our hearts, it takes time. I know that for myself, I am the first to admit that I often don’t do the right thing, say the right thing. Yet, I long to walk in obedience to God, bringing Him glory with my actions and my words. I long with every fiber to hear Jesus say to me, “Well done!”

I want to run this race well, yet I fail again and again. If you have ever felt this way, Friend, you are not alone! David cries out to God in Psalm 143:2, “Do not bring your servent into judgment, for no one is righteous before you.” My friends, look at one another, and see the image of God, even in the unsaved. Ask God for eyes to see Christ emerging in each of us, that we may praise His holy Name. Offer God’s grace when someone fails you. Gossips about you. Misrepresents something you have said or done. Acuses you of something that was never your intention. Takes your heart, stomps on it, yes even then, offer them grace…”for no one is righteous before you.” None of us measure up to a holy God, but He gives us grace in our humaness. Can we do no less?

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The past six months I have experienced God as my provider when my husband didn’t have a job. When the hospital bills, and doctor bills were discounted from my son’s injury in August and we hadn’t any insurance. Today, I experienced God as our great healer. In November, my son had another x-ray on his leg to evaluate its healing. The cyst that had weakened the bone to begin with had not healed as the doctors were hoping. It was difficult news for me to hear. My heart immediately rose in panic. I didn’t have answers to my many questions, and the treatment options tore at my heart, to think of my son having to endure the medical procedures. I prayed. I asked for others to pray. We prayed for healing.

A year ago, I would have fretted over the past month. I would have given into the anxious ramblings of my head. Listened to the panic gripped heart beats, but not this time. God’s peace prevailed in my soul as I anticipated His answer. Expected Him to move. When I woke this morning, I continued to pray. Continued to ask for God’s favor, and clung to the simple truth that God had what’s best for me and my family in His plan, even if my current circumstances seemed the contrary.

Inside the doctor’s office, the doctor explained that we were dealing with two things…the fracture….and the cyst. He examined my son, and proclaimed him back to full activity. The fracture was not an issue any longer. We would need to take some more x-rays to check on the progress of the cyst. We waited. Minutes can drag by when you are waiting. The doctor returned and snapped the new x-rays into place. He sighed. My stomach clenched. I held my breath. He sat on his stool in front of me. The cyst had shrunk. It was almost gone. We didn’t need to come back for six months. The doctor–amazed. Me–thankful that once again, I was experiencing God. This time as our healer. The great physician.

Time in the desert is difficult. Painful. Uncomfortable. Stretching. Sometimes your journey is short, and sometimes golden sand stretches out for miles in every direction. We have a choice as we journey this unknown path. We can draw closer to God, and experience Him like we have never experienced Him before, or we can allow bitterness to take root in our heart, choking out the light. The love. The wonders of God. It’s our choice. I say “yes” to the desert. I don’t know when it will end, or what the outcome will look like, but I trust that God has what’s best for me. I trust that when His word says He is my refuge, my portion, my rock…it is truth.

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A change of admistration resulted in the loss of my job. One that I had invested the past five and a half years in. Change is hard, especially when it comes with the force of a hurricane. No warning. No time to adjust. Less than two week passed before I started a new job. Ninevah. I had felt a peace about accepting this position, but the first week left me asking God what I was doing there. Had I misunderstood accepting this position? My heart felt heavy, and my focus shot inward. I can’t do this. I don’t want to do this? What’s the point? I don’t even agree with how they run things. God, I am the only Christian in this place!

That first week was my darkest moment in the desert. Quick sand sucked at my shoes, crept to my knees, hovered around my waist, and quickly reached my neck. I cried. I grew angry. I felt bitter. I stuffed it all inside only releasing the pent up desperation on the forty minute drive home. Struggling. By Saturday morning, I was fully ensconced in the belly of a fish. I shut down, to the point that my husband had to force me to get out of bed.

Why God? Why would you bring me to this place? Why would you uproot me from people that I loved to work with, and place me in this dark, haunting place? A constant focus on the incredible me! Being in the belly of the fish, wrapped up in “stinking thinking” and tossed on the waves of a pity party, God spoke to me.

“This isn’t about you. This is about me, and my Kingdom.” God has placed me at this job to be His light in the darkness. To make a difference through my actions, and my beliefs. With this realization, the fish spewed me onto the beach, and God’s peace returned. I still don’t like my job, and some days are harder than others, but my focus rests on the cross. I don’t know who I might touch for Jesus, and I may never know what seeds may be planted, but God has me where I am for a reason.

My Friends, are you fighting God? Are you sitting stubbornly in the belly of the fish, too focused on self, to see the plan and purpose God has for you? Have you ever experienced these moments in your life? God has prompted me to write about my journey through the desert, and I would love to hear your own stories. Please respond and encourage those on the journey who need a reminder to keep their focus on our amazing God even when the journey gets tough, and God trains our hands for the battle of advancing His kingdom.

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There have definitely been trials of many kinds. Even since I started this entry, I have found a job, but with it has come its own suffering. The loneliness of not having the close relationships that I had at my other job, missing the families that we worked with, and getting used to different policies, have all been challenges in this new job. I know that I took this job out of fear, and I pray that God will open a door despite my lack of faith. He has been my provider as I’ve traveled this path of uncertainty. How small does my view of God look when standing next to the overwhelming circumstances that have toppled me in their crashing waves.

Even when I can see past the circumstances of my life, God is faithful. Even when I find cause to cry out from the deepest, parts of my heart, “How long, O Lord, will you keep your face from me”, He is faithful. His love endures forever. Nothing can pluck me from His mighty hand. He is my shelter, my rock, my refuge, in Him I have placed my trust. I still do not understand the reason for the past five months. For the numerous circumstances that hope to snare me, throw me off balance, and take my eyes from my Savior. I have experienced the threatening waves that have tossed my small dingy, crashing it into one wave, each bigger than the other, and I have heard in my heart the same words the Jesus said to the disciples when they were faced with toppling waves, and Jesus slept in the boat. He has asked me why am I so afraid. He has asked me why I have so little faith. And just as the disciples could only see Jesus asleep, not handling the storm that threatened to drown them, so I too have looked upon Jesus as if He were asleep. The heartache, fear, worry threatening to drown me.

I’ve had to confess my lack of faith, my fear, for the sin that it is. Yet, it still likes to creep up, sneak around my fragile heart, and look for any enterance for its piercing sting. There is no cookie cutter way to guard our heart from this sin. We must learn to recognize the triggers that sweeps our eyes off of God and onto our circumstances. We must surround ourselves with godly influence. Those that God has placed in our lives to build us up, encourage us, shine light on our sin through their love for us. We must spend time in God’s word, hiding it deep in our hearts, but we must not forget that our God is a personal God. God will often use music in my life to bring me comfort, conviction, and encouragement. For you, it might me something different. Our God has wired us as unique individuals. If you are a mother, you know this well. What works for one child, may not work for another. Our relationships with our own children are personal. Individual. So is our relationship with God.

If you are struggling right now, if you feel like the last flicker of your hope is gone, go and sit at the feet of Jesus. Read. Pray. Sing or listen to worship. He will be there in your midst. He will hold you through the darkest night. These are not just words on a page. These are spoken from a heart of experience. I have had some very dark nights. I have had those moments when I have to force myself to get out of bed. When all I want to do is turn off my favorite Matt Redman CD, because I feel skeptical. Uncertain. Faltering. So do the very thing that you don’t feel like doing. Turn up that worship CD. Open up your Bible. Pour out your grief in prayer. God maybe silent, but it doesn’t mean He is not listening. He hears you. He love you. He will answer you. Suffering leads to perseverance. Perseverance leads to faith. So cling to all of God’s promises. Promises of trial are not easy, but when the cloud that hangs over you passes, and you are able to look back, you will see God’s hand on you. Guiding you. Protecting you. Loving you.

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